Our Stories from SOS International E-Support List collected by Carl

 

Posts from the SOS International E-Support List.

 

Thank You Carl for going to so much trouble and putting this together.

If there are no objections I would like to put this on the SOS Lists web site and maybe add more to it.

 

POSSIBLY THIS WILL ENCOURAGE STORIES FROM SOME OTHER MEMBERS
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After a long and illustrious career as a drinker I have decided to go sober.

I have been off alcohol for 40 days, I made my declaration to quit Fri 11/8 )…I have been a heavy drinker for 20 years; my main stay for the past 5 has been vodka (Grey Goose; Belvidere) fresh out of the freezer on the rocks straight, also enjoyed a beer or two, and wine; ….my decision came not by hitting rock bottom but more as a realization of bumping along bottom for many years (especially the last 4-5); I have been trying over the last 2-years
to condition myself to be a "social drinker"; trying to maintain a "quota" or max drinks per night (not social I know) that did not work; …also trying to take weekdays off but after 3 weeks that plan failed due to cheating during the week and then big binging on the weekends;… I took 90 days off not last summer but the summer before , it was not too hard in the middle but as I approached days 75-89 I found I was looking forward to day 90 very intensely; day 90
I had 2 drinks (a wine and a beer); the next night I had like 8-10 drinks and there it goes; ….anyway I was running (my 4 mile 45 minute run; dragging my beer belly along for the ride) as a neared the end of my run my iPod played "eclipse" by Pink Floyd I kept replaying it over and over again I then finished my run and sat on the beach I realized (in a true moment of clarity) that I was unable to be a social drinker and my choices were heavy drinker or quit... listening to "let it be" and "a long and winding road" for about a half hour then driving to visit my good friends Mom (Mrs. Kelly) in Melrose for a talk; …..I decided to quit...

I am not in AA (the religious bent as well as other features do not draw me); I don't like the term alcoholic as it implies a disease, alternatively I feel I have conditioned myself to drink heavy and to unwind that will take many years; could I train myself to be social drinker 3-5 years from now?  Probably… But what good is it to train for drinking; I would rather train for a marathon…
 


 


The "controlled", or "monitored", or "light", etc. drinking regimen doesn't seem to work very well - or at all. For addicts it is either nothing or everything. Of course, I only speak for myself.

This notion that I can drink less falls down rather abruptly (as do I after 8 drinks. Not funny.).

What? Instead of two bottles of potato squeezings I'll only have one?

Instead of three six-packs I'll only have two? I can still get looped on two!

Way to much rationalization.

The only solution - and, again, I speak for myself - is complete abstinence.

Frankly, I enjoy boozing so much that enough is never enough. Only none is enough. None is the only "enough". None.  Enough.

And it is very tough.

This is not to say that a reduction-to-none diet is not commendable. It is to be encouraged. It takes a while to break a wonderfully tasty, if not destructive, habit. For myself, after 30+ years of ethanol intake, it takes time to acclimate myself off the ethanol. My body doesn't understand that a day without alcohol is, well, a day without alcohol. Or a week, month, year, decade,... My liver and kidneys are confused. My brain is "thinking things it never thunk before, like why the ocean's near the shore".
[Scarecrow. Wizard of Oz. I digress.]
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Being poor I always drink the bottom of the shelf crap vodka. Pure poison. And the cheapest and strongest beer. Pure cow p*ss. When I die they are going to have to kill my liver with a stick. It will be the one staggering around drunk. With two looped kidneys trying to steady it.

Hang in there. Try to slow down and come to a stop. It is extremely difficult for long-termers. I still have problems. Of course, as we get older the body simply can't handle excessive drug intake. Days of vomiting, diarrhea, head-aches, nausea, etc., etc., etc., certainly begin to wear on the psyche and body.

Please write more. At least, your hands are not wrapped around a bottle when you write. They may be before or after, but not while typing.

Best wishes.
swd
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Congrats on you 30 days!

My story is long... but I'll give you the short version. I started out drinking and using in high school in the 1960's. It seemed like harmless fun but soon proved otherwise. Over the next 20 or so years my drinking and using became full fledged, I was addicted physically and mentally. I lost everything - business, car, wife. Detoxed on methadone twice and went on Methadone maintenance.

Couldn't stay clean on that and ended up going cold turkey off that (bad, bad news). What else can I tell you about the years I drank and used? I was a common every day drunk and common every day junkie - I lied, I stole, I cheated. I contracted a deadly disease.

In 1986 I started going to meetings after making the acquaintance of some nice young fellows from AA/NA. I liked the meetings but wasn't really interested in stopping - just wanted to get it back under control. Well, I guess you can figure out how well that worked!

Time went by and my life got worse. I never really quit going to the meetings, just sat in the back with my shades on ( so nobody would know how *&#% up I was!)

Finally decided to give it a try. Spiritually I was all mixed up, but immediately developed a resentment towards some preachy old timers who were determined to shove their religion down my throat. Well that lasted for 60 days and then back out again for 3 1/2 years. Drugs and alcohol really beat the shit out of me during this time - after trying to sober up I could no longer convince myself I was "just partying" or some other bullshit -- I knew I was *&#% up (and badly!). I was utterly miserable.

Finally decided to give it another try. Beaten badly enough to embrace whatever religion was required. Honestly became a believer. Made a bad mistake though and moved into my in-laws back yard! (Bad, bad, bad) 90 days later I remember why I chose to use in the first place! Abandoned the wife – abandoned the kids and ran away to go use, which i did vehemently and suicidally

After a few months of that I was ready to do anything. Jan 5th. 2002 I called an AA friend and asked for help. he came by and gave me $15 for gas and said I could come stay with him. Took the money and bought 2 bags of heroin, but still made it to his house that night. Jan 6th, 2002 I was clean and have been ever since -- this Jan 6th will be my 17th AA/NA birthday.

That would have been the end of the story if I would have remained comfortable in my new found spirituality -- but I have a skeptical mind and can't help but question such things. This, after some years of struggling, became an all out war with myself. I finally had to face facts and accept myself for who I really am deep down inside. I cannot be comfortable as a Theist - the Theists cannot present a concept of god that is not anthropomorphic, and I cannot accept one that is. On the other hand, the Atheists cannot present an argument for the non-existence of any god that cannot be defeated - so I'm not comfortable there. I am comfortable Agnostic. I take no issue with the idea of god. maybe there is maybe there isn't – who the hell knows? Unfortunately that has me feeling more than a bit left of the AA/NN programs.

I still go to those meetings and still think that the program approach is a good one - minus the religion. It has worked for me for long years and I'm grateful for it.


I came here more than once over the last few years, but have only really made an effort to be a part of it lately. I feel a bit isolated here too, if truth be known. Some members here are aggressively and hatefully against the programs that have saved my life -- they remind me all too well of the overbearing old-timers in the programs they dislike so much.

It doesn't matter though, how well I fit in anywhere or whether or not any given member might choose to act like a fool or preach or give bad advice - - as long as my sobriety remains the most important thing in my life each day I will continue to stay sober. That is my "First Priority" (adapted from James Christopher's "sobriety priority") and is the foundation stone of my life.

Alan
 


 


Wow Alan; that’s some story; I am 40; I’ve tried most drugs but not to any heavy extent except for alcohol which I am so grateful I gave up; I am married and have 4 awesome children and felt that if I kept up the 60 drinks a week quota that I was going to get into some trouble (I felt it around the corner if that makes sense); ...I hope others will share there stories...

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As far as I can remember I had alcohol in me before I was even born!
 

My mum drank while having me and all my brothers. Then alcohol was given to us, all through each of our childhoods.  My youngest memory of getting drunk was on holiday when I was just 13 yrs old and drank 3 pts of scrumpy cider.

On leaving boarding school & home aged 16 alcohol was my only close comfort which progressed me into it's prisoner...We all know this part don't we...I let it wear onto my live-in partner who got ruined in a very short period of time. I had to move away from him because he wouldn't work, just drink and smoke and nothing else. I have never smoked or taken drugs but have been in stages on every drink going. I first began a trip be being sober when I was 19 yrs it lasted just 6 months. Then I have been found unconscious in ditches, woke with strangers, lost a job, almost a partner on many times. I have had my strongest attempts this year at getting sober for good. Since April I have had a couple of relapses but now it is DEF- for good. I’ve suffered a stroke from being back on booze in only a relapse! I was out of it for 10 min and am only 35 yrs old.

 

I want to say good bye to the poison for ever. My biggest addiction is chili peppers & hot sauce for ever and ever from now on...

AA never helped. It made me feel I was swopping one obsession with another instead of just getting on without a life of alcohol.... I enjoyed my first booze barf when I was 14. "4 Queens" garbage whiskey. I looked old enough, and the rules were not so stringent, that I could buy the swill. And swill I swilled. And barfed. And barfed. Also, I used to come home from junior & senior high school drunk.

Of course, my father, another drunk, would beat the hell out of me and throw me out of the house toward evening. I spent many a night on the street and then went to school in the morning. What a mess.

Anyway...

Hang on! Everybody hang on.

Swd
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I'm just getting to this sderrick..

You are writing most of my feelings toward the drink. I feel a kinship with your experience that hits home directly. Days 75-89...that's the time period I feel off the last time. I felt I'd accomplished something big, so thought I could go back with some control...six years later, I'm sitting on Day 111 now. Keep running' The "controlled" , or "monitored", or "light", etc. drinking regimen doesn't seem to work very well - or at all. For addicts it is either nothing or everything. Of course, I only speak for myself.

This notion that I can drink less falls down rather abruptly (as do I after 8 drinks. Not funny.).

What? Instead of two bottles of potato squeezings I'll only have one?

Instead of three six-packs I'll only have two? I can still get looped on two!

Way to much rationalization.

The only solution - and, again, I speak for myself - is complete abstinence..

Frankly, I enjoy boozing so much that enough is never enough. Only none is enough. None is the only "enough". None. Enough.

And it is very tough.

This is not to say that a reduction-to- none diet is not commendable. It is to be encouraged. It takes a while to break a wonderfully tasty, if not destructive, habit. For myself, after 30+ years of ethanol intake, it takes time to acclimate myself off the ethanol. My body doesn't understand that a day without alcohol is, well, a day without alcohol. Or a week, month, year, decade,... My liver and kidneys are confused. My brain is "thinking things it never thunk before, like why the ocean's near the shore".
[Scarecrow. Wizard of Oz. I digress.]

 


 


Hey there,

Replying to your post. What great insight. I am new to SOS myself and went to my first online meeting with SMART on Monday night. It was awesome! Great amount of support there, seen that I am isolated at this time and can't physically get to a in person meeting.

I am here for support and it's becoming more evident to me that there are people out there who can be sober and live healthy lives. What a freakin mess my life has become.

Once upon a time I didn't even drink, then a social and now pretty much a full blown drunk. Sad but true. I can relate so much to justifying a few drinks socially and then the drinks taking a complete hold over me. I have been trying to be sober for a couple of weeks now and it is more than apparent if I don't stop I will die. Last night was my job (restaurant) holiday party and yes I took the title of the most drunk. I went into it thinking it was my last hurrah. Boy was it ever, blacked out had a coworker put my car on a flatbed and got me home. Have to go to work in a hour and I am dreading it like you would believe. Thankfully i am leaving this job next week and I will no longer be working in the restaurant industry ever again.

 

Before I just blather on I guess I should just pose some questions and ask for some advice as to how to stay sober. I have DEFINITELY made up my mind to do so. I purposely got wasted last night for that reason, but I am now asking myself was it worth it? No freakin way. I made ass out of myself damaged my name and all around feel horrible about it. I can't drink. Zip, Zilch, Nada, period

 

I lost both of my parent this year and got left with a financial nightmare, a disabled older sister with HIV, and a whole host of other problems. My self medication has turned to detriment (DUI) as of late and I am trying to put my life back together. My plan is to go back NYC, in here in FL for the rest of the week and start a new chapter in my life. The financial burden remains the same but I will have work in NYC not in the restaurant biz. I have a support system up there and am very confident that I can make the changes I need to make. I am scares S%#&less, but I am going to take it day by day and go full speed ahead on my recovery.

I am here because too I abhor AA (whatever works for people) and I am looking for some help. If anyone could reply to this I would so greatly appreciate it. I don't know if anyone who has been sober for a while would be willing to talk with my on the phone. I have unlimited minutes so I could call. It would just be really nice to talk to someone who has some sage, sobriety whatever. I don't know how to go about that in terms of posting my number. Any suggestions would help.

Thanks all for reading sorry to go on for so long, its been a really tough year. All my best to everyone.

 

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